Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
