Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
