if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
