I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
