i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
