Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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