You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
