Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
