i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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