The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
