Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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