I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
