Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
