This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
