she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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