Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
