I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
