Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
