We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have aggressive nipples.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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