Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
