Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
