I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
