she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Boobs speak an international language.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
