I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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