If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
