gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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