I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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