the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
