now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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