I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
