I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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