I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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