i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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