He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
