Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
