Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Please don't give away my fajitas
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