When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
