sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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