I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
