I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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