I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Such a big mess for such a small penis
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I did not marry a roomba.
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