Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
