I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
