just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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