he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
