I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
