FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
