According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
