I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
