I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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